So lately I have a hard time feeling like this whole thing is real. I feel like we are talking about it and going through the motions but nothing will ever happen. Sometimes I wonder when will this start to feel real. When a birthmother chooses us? When we see the first ultrasound? When we see the baby--our baby--for the first time? When we bring our baby home?
I am ready for this but I don't know how to make that connection in my brain that somewhere in this world there is w woman who is going to conceive a baby and then give that baby to us to keep as our own child. This is all just mind boggling right now.
After doing more research we have decided to continue on with our original agency that we selected. I received a lot of questions from individuals who insisted that we could adopt cheaper. Turns our they are all right--but it's at a price. After spending hours online and on the phone with agencies big and small across the US I have found that a cheaper price tag means one of a few things.
1. Your wait time will increase
2. The agency is not quoting you on legal fees as well as thier own fees.
3. The agency does not offer much to the birthmother
4. The agency does not screen the birthmother.
5. The agency does not market you well or in multiple media formats--that's if they are willing to market you at all.
For all the above reasons I am okay knowing that I may pay $5,000 more than someone else did.
SO..... on the financial front (my least favorite topic right now) we have had to make some hard decisions this week. Even without help we are going to find a way to make this adoption happen. We have cut our cable and internet down to the slowest and smallest package available--big savings of $70.00/month! We are going to see if we can get rid of our smart phones and get a basic phone package (not sure if we can do this b/c of our contract but we are trying anyway). We set a menu and started clipping coupons--if its not on sale we aren't buying it! I changed my direct deposit so that a large amount of each check will be saved--and we froze our bank cards so we can't touch it.
I started our first fundraiser a few days ago and its going okay. Party lite offers you 50% of the sales--our goal is $2,500.00--but more would be great! The next fundraiser will be a fiesta night. We will have a taco bar, raffles, and a 50/50 drawing. We are still working out the details but would like to have it at the end of the month. And then we are going to have a garage sale. I am hoping that we will have friends and family donate stuff for us to sell-but we do have a lot of our own junk to get rid of. We have some other ideas but these are what we are focusing on right now.
Fingers crossed that all together we can raise $10,000.00.
a very excited and tired,
Mrs. B
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Heart Broken
Today is rough.
Last night we went and had dinner with the in-laws. About a week ago they were kind enough to offer to finance the adoption for us. they kept saying "why would you borrow when we can loan it to you?" We did not ask them for help--that was never in our plan, but when they offered it was such a huge relief! We could see the light at the end of this long tunnel. So after dinner they inform us that they are no longer willing to loan us the money. They questioned if this was a wise financial decision, if a child was really worth all that money. They asked is we could find a cheaper agency. They said that us getting a second car right now should be a priority. And it went on and on. I had to just walk out before I said anything out of anger.
The MIL e-mailed me and said she was sorry if something that they said made me mad. LIKE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY I AM MAD!!!!! They lied to us. They let us live on cloud 9 for a week and then ripped it away and we are supposed to be happy? AND... then they questioned the value that we place on our child--our family. I don't know about anyone else but I can't imagine putting a price on my child. I am not mad about the loan--that we can take care of, but they should not have offered and then went back on it. What really ticks me off is that they made this all sound like some big shady business deal--or a luxury purchase. They just don't get that this is our family.
Needless to say I am done speaking to them for a bit. Maybe when they get to hold their grandchild they will realize that he/she is priceless!
Trying to gracefully ignore the idiots,
Mrs. B.
Last night we went and had dinner with the in-laws. About a week ago they were kind enough to offer to finance the adoption for us. they kept saying "why would you borrow when we can loan it to you?" We did not ask them for help--that was never in our plan, but when they offered it was such a huge relief! We could see the light at the end of this long tunnel. So after dinner they inform us that they are no longer willing to loan us the money. They questioned if this was a wise financial decision, if a child was really worth all that money. They asked is we could find a cheaper agency. They said that us getting a second car right now should be a priority. And it went on and on. I had to just walk out before I said anything out of anger.
The MIL e-mailed me and said she was sorry if something that they said made me mad. LIKE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY I AM MAD!!!!! They lied to us. They let us live on cloud 9 for a week and then ripped it away and we are supposed to be happy? AND... then they questioned the value that we place on our child--our family. I don't know about anyone else but I can't imagine putting a price on my child. I am not mad about the loan--that we can take care of, but they should not have offered and then went back on it. What really ticks me off is that they made this all sound like some big shady business deal--or a luxury purchase. They just don't get that this is our family.
Needless to say I am done speaking to them for a bit. Maybe when they get to hold their grandchild they will realize that he/she is priceless!
Trying to gracefully ignore the idiots,
Mrs. B.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Terrified and Excited!
Mark and I had our consultation with the adoption agency last night. (we are still not sharing with anyone that this is something we are considering). We spent about an hour and a half talking to our consultant. She is awesome! We both felt really comfortable speaking with her about our past, our hopes for the future, and all the things that are freaking us out right now. We got the breakdown on how the entire process works and what is expected of us - which really isn't much once we complete the home study.
This morning I woke up wondering if we are making the right choice. Can we do this? Will we be good parents? Can we provide everything that a little life needs? Will a birth mother choose us? I wondered if I was pushing this too much on Mark. Then as I came into the computer room to log onto my blog I see the piece of paper that mark was scribbling on during our phone consultation. I had assumed he was bored and tuned out. In all the scribblings on the paper there was one thing that stood out. He wrote "We want a baby! Please!"
I think we are making the right choice. He is right we do want a baby.
This morning I woke up wondering if we are making the right choice. Can we do this? Will we be good parents? Can we provide everything that a little life needs? Will a birth mother choose us? I wondered if I was pushing this too much on Mark. Then as I came into the computer room to log onto my blog I see the piece of paper that mark was scribbling on during our phone consultation. I had assumed he was bored and tuned out. In all the scribblings on the paper there was one thing that stood out. He wrote "We want a baby! Please!"
I think we are making the right choice. He is right we do want a baby.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Big Decisions
Last night over dinner Mark and I were discussing our desire to be parents....again. The topic of adoption came up and for the first time we seriously discussed it. There are so many questions that we have. We found an agency that we like and made contact. Not sure where we will go with this but at least we are becoming informed!
TTFN
The Very Fluffy Mrs. B.
TTFN
The Very Fluffy Mrs. B.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Hunger Pains
After much dragging of my feet I finally joined weight watchers on 2-26-11. I was really not excited about doing this as I have some to like my unhealthy diet. It took several weeks for me to wrap my head around the idea of eating healthy and holding myself accountable. And I was very reluctant to join because I am afraid of failure.
I hear from an old friend about two weeks ago and she and I decided to do this together. Its always good to have a battle buddy.
Bright and early Saturday morning we headed to the WW hall. I did WW before and it was never EVER that busy. There were so many people there that the line was almost out the door. I got myself registered as a new member (only $25.00 thanks to having HAP health insurance!), got all my materials and we found a seat. I was nervous and anxious--but still not excited. After the meeting we went to breakfast and ate like pigs--deciding that we would start tomorrow.
Day one did not go too well. I went over my daily points by 20. We went to this AWESOME Italian restaurant for my Mother in Laws retirement party. I do not think that there was a single healthy choice on the menu. I went with the eggplant parm--so delicious but so many points. Whatever--I decided that I would do better on Monday.
Monday morning I went to work prepared to be serious about sticking to my points. I did really good. I brought in tea to tame my craving for a sweet beverage (although I used no sweetener I was able to find a tea that is blueberry flavor and sooo yummy--with no points). I ate a huge healthy veggie salad at lunch. But by 5pm when the hubby picked me up I was starving! I wanted to eat anything that was available! I realized that maybe I need to start keeping snacks on hand at work.
So today I came to work even more prepared. I brought fruit, 3points worth of whole wheat crackers, and a slice of laughing cow light cheese. Only 4 points to be held over until dinner--I can handle that. For lunch I brought in vegetable soup that I made last night--OMG it is delish! I used diced tomato, carrots, green beans, corn, onion, cabbage, ff chicken stock, natural tomato juice, and a dash of hot sauce. The entire pot checked in at 4 points and made 6 huge servings. I am counting it as 1 point although its really less. I could have made it free had I left out the corn and used pureed tomatoes instead of tomato juice--but its so good that I think I will keep the recipe the same!
Day 3 is going much better and I am feeling more positive about doing this. Hopefully I will see at least 1 pound of results on the scales on Saturday.
The Very Fluffy Mrs. B
I hear from an old friend about two weeks ago and she and I decided to do this together. Its always good to have a battle buddy.
Bright and early Saturday morning we headed to the WW hall. I did WW before and it was never EVER that busy. There were so many people there that the line was almost out the door. I got myself registered as a new member (only $25.00 thanks to having HAP health insurance!), got all my materials and we found a seat. I was nervous and anxious--but still not excited. After the meeting we went to breakfast and ate like pigs--deciding that we would start tomorrow.
Day one did not go too well. I went over my daily points by 20. We went to this AWESOME Italian restaurant for my Mother in Laws retirement party. I do not think that there was a single healthy choice on the menu. I went with the eggplant parm--so delicious but so many points. Whatever--I decided that I would do better on Monday.
Monday morning I went to work prepared to be serious about sticking to my points. I did really good. I brought in tea to tame my craving for a sweet beverage (although I used no sweetener I was able to find a tea that is blueberry flavor and sooo yummy--with no points). I ate a huge healthy veggie salad at lunch. But by 5pm when the hubby picked me up I was starving! I wanted to eat anything that was available! I realized that maybe I need to start keeping snacks on hand at work.
So today I came to work even more prepared. I brought fruit, 3points worth of whole wheat crackers, and a slice of laughing cow light cheese. Only 4 points to be held over until dinner--I can handle that. For lunch I brought in vegetable soup that I made last night--OMG it is delish! I used diced tomato, carrots, green beans, corn, onion, cabbage, ff chicken stock, natural tomato juice, and a dash of hot sauce. The entire pot checked in at 4 points and made 6 huge servings. I am counting it as 1 point although its really less. I could have made it free had I left out the corn and used pureed tomatoes instead of tomato juice--but its so good that I think I will keep the recipe the same!
Day 3 is going much better and I am feeling more positive about doing this. Hopefully I will see at least 1 pound of results on the scales on Saturday.
The Very Fluffy Mrs. B
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Faith
In the last three years I have attended church on a fairly irregular basis like maybe 1-2 times a month. We always go to Catholic mass because Mark is Catholic. On Saturday we went to mass and I found myself antsy and angry. I couldn't stand the ritualistic feel of things. I caught myself saying the prayers mindlessly and just following the crowd. I spaced out through most of the sermon-all I remember is something about Alzheimers. This is not how church is supposed to feel! At that moment I was feeling like I hadn't been to church in years--and it was horrible.
Afterwards I decided to have a serious heart to heart with my hubby. We talked about our beliefs surrounding God and church and how worship should happen. We both agreed that we believe in God. Mark wasn't sure that we needed to go to church in order to worship though. I pointed out that we don't worship at home either so he conceded that maybe we did indeed need to physically attend in order to worship. Surprisingly Mark agreed that he wanted to try a new church. We discussed various churches in the area and not all catholic ones. We agreed to attend church with a co-worker of mine at a Lutheran church.
Sunday rolled around and I could tell the Mark was less than excited. We had a huge fight and were both in the worst of moods by the time we got to church. All I could think was how are we ever going to find the right place if we don't walk in with open hearts?
Immediately I was at ease. People were so kind and inviting. This was the church experience that I remembered and loved. The service was pretty good and I left with such a great feeling in my heart. As we got in the car Mark looked at me and said "is it weird that I want to dance?" No baby its not weird.
We are going to try a few more churches over the next couple of weeks but I am very optimistic that we will find a church to call home.
Afterwards I decided to have a serious heart to heart with my hubby. We talked about our beliefs surrounding God and church and how worship should happen. We both agreed that we believe in God. Mark wasn't sure that we needed to go to church in order to worship though. I pointed out that we don't worship at home either so he conceded that maybe we did indeed need to physically attend in order to worship. Surprisingly Mark agreed that he wanted to try a new church. We discussed various churches in the area and not all catholic ones. We agreed to attend church with a co-worker of mine at a Lutheran church.
Sunday rolled around and I could tell the Mark was less than excited. We had a huge fight and were both in the worst of moods by the time we got to church. All I could think was how are we ever going to find the right place if we don't walk in with open hearts?
Immediately I was at ease. People were so kind and inviting. This was the church experience that I remembered and loved. The service was pretty good and I left with such a great feeling in my heart. As we got in the car Mark looked at me and said "is it weird that I want to dance?" No baby its not weird.
We are going to try a few more churches over the next couple of weeks but I am very optimistic that we will find a church to call home.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Back at it!
I have completed my antibiotics, can finally breathe, and I am ready to get back to the gym! My game plan for today is to shower go to church (Mark has agreed to trying a non-Catholic church! This excites me), then off to the gym (all cardio today), then we are heading to Great Lakes Crossing to shop for anniversary gifts (can you believe its been a year).
On Friday I sat down with my Doc, Dr. Milo. After reviewing all my labs she made two suggestions: 1. Weight Watcher 2. The weight management program that the health system I work for has (i.e. bariatric surgery). WOW!! That was hard to hear. I am so fat that I should consider bariatric surgery. SO my choice is weight watcher. I found an office maybe three blocks from my house and I am going to sign up tomorrow! I tried it before and had some success, but at the time I really wasn't taking it seriously. Now I am serious!
Dr. Milo says that my goal should be 200lbs before I try to get pregnant. "big sigh" That seems so far away. After my conversation with her I went back to my office and sobbed for about 30 minutes. While sobbing I composed a horribly depressing e-mail and sent it to Mark. I told him how depressed I am and have been and that I know I have been pushing him away. I told him that I want to be happy and I don't want to hit the destruct button on our relationship.
He called me withing 5 minutes and was very worried. He told me how much he loves me for me. And that he just wants me to be happy and we will do whatever it takes to get there. It's nice to know he stands behind me 110%!
I can do it. I can do it. I can do it............
On Friday I sat down with my Doc, Dr. Milo. After reviewing all my labs she made two suggestions: 1. Weight Watcher 2. The weight management program that the health system I work for has (i.e. bariatric surgery). WOW!! That was hard to hear. I am so fat that I should consider bariatric surgery. SO my choice is weight watcher. I found an office maybe three blocks from my house and I am going to sign up tomorrow! I tried it before and had some success, but at the time I really wasn't taking it seriously. Now I am serious!
Dr. Milo says that my goal should be 200lbs before I try to get pregnant. "big sigh" That seems so far away. After my conversation with her I went back to my office and sobbed for about 30 minutes. While sobbing I composed a horribly depressing e-mail and sent it to Mark. I told him how depressed I am and have been and that I know I have been pushing him away. I told him that I want to be happy and I don't want to hit the destruct button on our relationship.
He called me withing 5 minutes and was very worried. He told me how much he loves me for me. And that he just wants me to be happy and we will do whatever it takes to get there. It's nice to know he stands behind me 110%!
I can do it. I can do it. I can do it............
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The Best of Intentions.
Last week I was so on fire about being the best me that I could be (too cheesey?). Then it hit me--the cold from hell! I have been able to do nothing but lay on the couch since Wednesday (its now Sunday). I have barely had the energy to get out of my pajamas and shower.
I am going to remain hopeful that this all this snot will soon be evicted from by body and I can once again start to work out.
I can do this...I can do this... I can do this...
I am going to remain hopeful that this all this snot will soon be evicted from by body and I can once again start to work out.
I can do this...I can do this... I can do this...
Monday, January 24, 2011
The long road ahead
So you ever have one of those moments when you open yours eyes and the reality of life hits you hard? I did on Friday. I stepped on the scale and the number looking back at me was 278. I lost my breathe. How could I let myself get this far gone?
When Bonto and I first met (October 2008) I was about 190 and a size 14. I was happy, had energy, and loved my life! In April of 2009 I went of my birth control and got pregnant right away. I miscarried in the end of June and started on a downward spiral. I was sad. I would eat, then I would gain weight, my clothes stopped fitting, I was depressed, I ate, I had no energy, I was depressed, I ate, up another size, feeling worse, I ate....... You see the pattern?
Food had always equaled comfort for me. When I was little if my sisters would pick on me my mom would give me a bowl of whipped cream--I am not blaming her for my food issues but they do go back pretty far. Now my happiest moments are sitting on the couch watching TV eating chips. I can shut everything out--I don't have to feel anything.
Why am I so sad when I have so much good in my life? Why can't I just be happy? I have been blessed with the most wonderful husband! Why am I choosing to shut him out? Why am I poisoning a wonderful marriage?
278.
Back in October I went for my annual GYN exam. I voiced my desire to have a family and had Dr. Milo review all the infertility work-up that I had done so far. She recommended a few blood tests and said we would "go from there". My fasting insulin level was 38. It should be below 14--not good. Dr. Milo said even if she could get me pregnant I would most likely have a miscarriage. So I started taking metformin. I hate taking metformin! I always feel nauseated and have gastro-intestinal issues. But I take it. Fast forward to Friday 1/21/11- I had my fasting insulin re-checked.....34, another number to haunt me. This is the number that made me step on the scale. Until the 278 goes away the 34 won't get any better and until the 34 gets better there will be no Baby Bonto.
My Plan:
I will work out at least 5 days a week. I will eat healthy. I will do all of this for me-so that I can once again love my life and love myself!
The Very Fluffy Mrs B.
When Bonto and I first met (October 2008) I was about 190 and a size 14. I was happy, had energy, and loved my life! In April of 2009 I went of my birth control and got pregnant right away. I miscarried in the end of June and started on a downward spiral. I was sad. I would eat, then I would gain weight, my clothes stopped fitting, I was depressed, I ate, I had no energy, I was depressed, I ate, up another size, feeling worse, I ate....... You see the pattern?
Food had always equaled comfort for me. When I was little if my sisters would pick on me my mom would give me a bowl of whipped cream--I am not blaming her for my food issues but they do go back pretty far. Now my happiest moments are sitting on the couch watching TV eating chips. I can shut everything out--I don't have to feel anything.
Why am I so sad when I have so much good in my life? Why can't I just be happy? I have been blessed with the most wonderful husband! Why am I choosing to shut him out? Why am I poisoning a wonderful marriage?
278.
Back in October I went for my annual GYN exam. I voiced my desire to have a family and had Dr. Milo review all the infertility work-up that I had done so far. She recommended a few blood tests and said we would "go from there". My fasting insulin level was 38. It should be below 14--not good. Dr. Milo said even if she could get me pregnant I would most likely have a miscarriage. So I started taking metformin. I hate taking metformin! I always feel nauseated and have gastro-intestinal issues. But I take it. Fast forward to Friday 1/21/11- I had my fasting insulin re-checked.....34, another number to haunt me. This is the number that made me step on the scale. Until the 278 goes away the 34 won't get any better and until the 34 gets better there will be no Baby Bonto.
My Plan:
I will work out at least 5 days a week. I will eat healthy. I will do all of this for me-so that I can once again love my life and love myself!
The Very Fluffy Mrs B.
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