The long road ahead

So you ever have one of those moments when you open yours eyes and the reality of life hits you hard?  I did on Friday.  I stepped on the scale and the number looking back at me was 278.  I lost my breathe.  How could I let myself get this far gone? 

When Bonto and I first met (October 2008) I was about 190 and a size 14.  I was happy, had energy, and loved my life!  In April of 2009 I went of my birth control and got pregnant right away.  I miscarried in the end of June and started on a downward spiral.  I was sad. I would eat, then I would gain weight, my clothes stopped fitting, I was depressed, I ate, I had no energy, I was depressed, I ate, up another size, feeling worse, I ate....... You see the pattern?

Food had always equaled comfort for me.  When I was little if my sisters would pick on me my mom would give me a bowl of whipped cream--I am not blaming her for my food issues but they do go back pretty far.  Now my happiest moments are sitting on the couch watching TV eating chips.  I can shut everything out--I don't have to feel anything. 

Why am I so sad when I have so much good in my life?  Why can't I just be happy?  I have been blessed with the most wonderful husband!  Why am I choosing to shut him out?  Why am I poisoning a wonderful marriage?

278. 

Back in October I went for my annual GYN exam.  I voiced my desire to have a family and had Dr. Milo review all the infertility work-up that I had done so far.  She recommended a few blood tests and said we would "go from there".  My fasting insulin level was 38.  It should be below 14--not good.  Dr. Milo said even if she could get me pregnant I would most likely have a miscarriage.  So I started taking metformin.  I hate taking metformin!  I always feel nauseated and have gastro-intestinal issues.  But I take it.  Fast forward to Friday 1/21/11- I had my fasting insulin re-checked.....34, another number to haunt me.  This is the number that made me step on the scale.  Until the 278 goes away the 34 won't get any better and until the 34 gets better there will be no Baby Bonto.

My Plan:
I will work out at least 5 days a week.  I will eat healthy.  I will do all of this for me-so that I can once again love my life and love myself! 

The Very Fluffy Mrs B.