Faith

In the last three years I have attended church on a fairly irregular basis like maybe 1-2 times a month.  We always go to Catholic mass because Mark is Catholic.  On Saturday we went to mass and I found myself antsy and angry.  I couldn't stand the ritualistic feel of things.  I caught myself saying the prayers mindlessly and just following the crowd.  I spaced out through most of the sermon-all I remember is something about Alzheimers.  This is not how church is supposed to feel!  At that moment I was feeling like I hadn't been to church in years--and it was horrible.

Afterwards I decided to have a serious heart to heart with my hubby.  We talked about our beliefs surrounding God and church and how worship should happen.  We both agreed that we believe in God.  Mark wasn't sure that we needed to go to church in order to worship though.  I pointed out that we don't worship at home either so he conceded that maybe we did indeed need to physically attend in order to worship.  Surprisingly Mark agreed that he wanted to try a new church.  We discussed various churches in the area and not all catholic ones.  We agreed to attend church with a co-worker of mine at a Lutheran church.

Sunday rolled around and I could tell the Mark was less than excited.  We had a huge fight and were both in the worst of moods by the time we got to church.  All I could think was how are we ever going to find the right place if we don't walk in with open hearts?

Immediately I was at ease.  People were so kind and inviting.  This was the church experience that I remembered and loved.  The service was pretty good and I left with such a great feeling in my heart.  As we got in the car Mark looked at me and said "is it weird that I want to dance?"  No baby its not weird.

We are going to try a few more churches over the next couple of weeks but I am very optimistic that we will find a church to call home.

Back at it!

I have completed my antibiotics, can finally breathe, and I am ready to get back to the gym!  My game plan for today is to shower go to church (Mark has agreed to trying a non-Catholic church!  This excites me), then off to the gym (all cardio today), then we are heading to Great Lakes Crossing to shop for anniversary gifts (can you believe its been a year).

On Friday I sat down with my Doc, Dr. Milo.  After reviewing all my labs she made two suggestions: 1. Weight Watcher 2. The weight management program that the health system I work for has (i.e. bariatric surgery).  WOW!! That was hard to hear.  I am so fat that I should consider bariatric surgery.  SO my choice is weight watcher.  I found an office maybe three blocks from my house and I am going to sign up tomorrow!  I tried it before and had some success, but at the time I really wasn't taking it seriously.  Now I am serious!

Dr. Milo says that my goal should be 200lbs before I try to get pregnant.  "big sigh"  That seems so far away.  After my conversation with her I went back to my office and sobbed for about 30 minutes.  While sobbing I composed a horribly depressing e-mail and sent it to Mark.  I told him how depressed I am and have been and that I know I have been pushing him away.   I told him that I want to be happy and I don't want to hit the destruct button on our relationship. 

He called me withing 5 minutes and was very worried.  He told me how much he loves me for me.  And that he just wants me to be happy and we will do whatever it takes to get there.  It's nice to know he stands behind me 110%!

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it............